12.26.2021

Hi there. It's me, Jenny. It's the day after Christmas. It's year 2 of the pandemic. It's year 7 of motherhood. It's year 43 of my life. I'm letting my hair go grey, and I am trying to convince myself that it is very sexy. Sometimes I am 100% convinced. Other times, like when my eyes go droopy with 2 glasses of wine, less so. 

I've left the stage behind. I've left the keyboard behind. Sometimes I miss the stale beer-flooded stages of the bar venues, but that is mostly a lie. I do miss those occasional shows where I know the music has touched the room in the special way it touched me when it came into being for the first time. I miss when I used to sit down at the piano and confess to it. We'd have a beautiful conversation, and it would come out in a song. 

I don't go to the piano anymore. I could blame it on motherhood. But to be honest, I was grateful when my daughter came along and showed me there is so much more to life than the sweat and tears I bled out for a music career that wasn't leading anywhere. So yeah, I don't go to the piano anymore. I keep hoping it's just a really long phase... 

 But for now when I have a bad day, I write. The writing has become my solace and my coach. It's funny that sometimes I rant out a long, indignant stream of consciousness in the 1st person, and about half way through it changes to 2nd person: a tough-love coach emerges and gives me all kinds of helpful insights and advice. 

 Why am I writing now? Out here in the world? I'm not sure exactly. But I will tell you it terrifies me to do this. I don't know what it is about me that wants to dangle my bare soul out there for whomever to see - whether it be in song form or in writing form. But maybe it's the urge to connect. Mabye my naked thoughts are similar to yours, and we can share a moment of human-ness together and be honest - this journey is hard! 

Lately I've been craving a source of magic. It floats into and out of my life. Sometimes I feel like the Universe is listening to me and I can co-create with it. I describe these moments of inspiration and manifestation as "slippery." Life is feeling locked up, and I want it to feel slippery again. I watched The Wizzard of Oz last night. "Somewhere over the rainbow..." Monday morning looms with its many Zoom meetings, I wonder.. how can I bring the magic?